Hanging by a thread!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, December 7, 2009
Applying "Bondo" to the Friendship
Linda: I have a thought from time to time that goes like this – “What if someday something catastrophic happens to me and my whole world is blown apart? Who will be around to help me pick up the pieces?” Oh, I’ve got family, but what if they are affected by the blow too? Having a “Bondo Friend” assures me that I will always have someone to help me through the tough stuff of life.
Want to know what a Bondo Friend is? A Bondo Friend is one who sticks by you and won’t come unstuck. The kind of friend who will be there when the seasons change, the reasons fade, and best friends move on. A Bondo Friend won’t leave you – you’re stuck together by a bond. You might try to wiggle your way out at times, but in the end you won’t really want to. It’s for life. It’s for keeps.
Kathy: I have this pair of really cool Ann Klein shoes that I love to wear. One day the bottom of the right shoe came unglued. There it was, lost and forlorn by itself in the parking lot. I took it to my office and tried to salvage it with Elmer’s glue. Walking out to the car I lost it again. It didn’t hold. It was the wrong kind of glue. The good news was that The Friendship Doctors now had a fabulous reason to go to the mall – the shoe repair shop is right down from MACY’S. Yeah! The shoe repair guy used the right kind of glue to fix the shoe. Wallah!
Wearing my shoes once again, I noticed this time that the left shoe was coming unglued and the bottom was hanging by a thread. It too, needed the right kind of glue. However, I’ve chosen to put off the repair to remind me of the significance of Bondo. Like the shoe, a friendship can become unglued unless it has the right kind of staying power. The wear and tear of life has a way of messing with relationships. All kinds of things can blow friends apart. What can make a friendship stick? BONDO.
Linda: Wow, what an awesome concept - A friend who sticks by your side forever. Forever…what does that mean? Forever if it works? Forever if circumstances permit? Forever if I feel like it? No, you make it work. You don’t let circumstances unglue you, and when your feelings start to falter, you stick. Those who dare to slap Bondo onto their friendships will find it to be the most incredible, precious, and life changing opportunity of a lifetime.
Friend Coaching Tip: Apply Bondo to your friendship to make it stick for a lifetime.
Want to know what a Bondo Friend is? A Bondo Friend is one who sticks by you and won’t come unstuck. The kind of friend who will be there when the seasons change, the reasons fade, and best friends move on. A Bondo Friend won’t leave you – you’re stuck together by a bond. You might try to wiggle your way out at times, but in the end you won’t really want to. It’s for life. It’s for keeps.
Kathy: I have this pair of really cool Ann Klein shoes that I love to wear. One day the bottom of the right shoe came unglued. There it was, lost and forlorn by itself in the parking lot. I took it to my office and tried to salvage it with Elmer’s glue. Walking out to the car I lost it again. It didn’t hold. It was the wrong kind of glue. The good news was that The Friendship Doctors now had a fabulous reason to go to the mall – the shoe repair shop is right down from MACY’S. Yeah! The shoe repair guy used the right kind of glue to fix the shoe. Wallah!
Wearing my shoes once again, I noticed this time that the left shoe was coming unglued and the bottom was hanging by a thread. It too, needed the right kind of glue. However, I’ve chosen to put off the repair to remind me of the significance of Bondo. Like the shoe, a friendship can become unglued unless it has the right kind of staying power. The wear and tear of life has a way of messing with relationships. All kinds of things can blow friends apart. What can make a friendship stick? BONDO.
Linda: Wow, what an awesome concept - A friend who sticks by your side forever. Forever…what does that mean? Forever if it works? Forever if circumstances permit? Forever if I feel like it? No, you make it work. You don’t let circumstances unglue you, and when your feelings start to falter, you stick. Those who dare to slap Bondo onto their friendships will find it to be the most incredible, precious, and life changing opportunity of a lifetime.
Friend Coaching Tip: Apply Bondo to your friendship to make it stick for a lifetime.
Monday, November 2, 2009
My Friend Decorates My Life
Linda: I had a cool thing happen to me this morning. I was sitting in my office and looked up at two new pictures hanging on my wall. Those two pictures weren't there an hour ago. Earlier this morning, I called my friend and asked her to bop over to my office and help me figure out where to hang the new pictures she helped me pick out. One of the benefits of our friendship is that Kathy's my interior decorator. She has helped me decorate my last office and the current one. What a blast we have had picking paint colors, shopping at the flea market for framed mirrors, hanging pictures, and even picking out pillows for my couch. Kathy watches lots of design shows so she's "in the know!" And she absolutely loves rearranging furniture. Every time I go to her house I find that something has been moved...maybe a picture, a piece of furniture, even down to the toilet paper holder in the bathroom.
My friend has not only helped me decorate my office but in a lot of ways she's helped me decorate my life. Kathy makes my life more beautiful. She has helped me rearrange things in me by moving things out and moving things in. "This goes here but doesn't look good there." Yep, we're talking unsightly blemishes, character flaws, ugly attitudes...need I say more? There's a great little verse in the Bible that goes like this, " As iron sharpens iron, so people can improve each other" (Prov 27:17 NCV) Because I have developed trust and confidence in her, I have invited her to make me aware of my blind spots. She see's things I don't, and she definitely has a different perspective than I do most of the time. This works both ways. I do the same for her. Don't get the wrong impression, she doesn't try to change me, nor I her. It just happens by being around each other. Her good ways influence mine and mine influence hers. I love how my friend decorates my life!
Friend coaching tip: Invite a trusted friend to decorate your life...in more ways than one!
My friend has not only helped me decorate my office but in a lot of ways she's helped me decorate my life. Kathy makes my life more beautiful. She has helped me rearrange things in me by moving things out and moving things in. "This goes here but doesn't look good there." Yep, we're talking unsightly blemishes, character flaws, ugly attitudes...need I say more? There's a great little verse in the Bible that goes like this, " As iron sharpens iron, so people can improve each other" (Prov 27:17 NCV) Because I have developed trust and confidence in her, I have invited her to make me aware of my blind spots. She see's things I don't, and she definitely has a different perspective than I do most of the time. This works both ways. I do the same for her. Don't get the wrong impression, she doesn't try to change me, nor I her. It just happens by being around each other. Her good ways influence mine and mine influence hers. I love how my friend decorates my life!
Friend coaching tip: Invite a trusted friend to decorate your life...in more ways than one!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Great Minds Dress Alike...NOT!
Linda: It happened again, every once in a while my friend and I show up at work dressed from head to toe so alike. This time - coral and white was the ensemble of the day. Of course, everyone who saw us together that day asked us, "Did you plan that?" How corny. I had the thought, "Ok, which one of us is going to go home to change so people don't wonder if we actually called each other this morning and orchestrated twin day!” Recently we considered calling each other to make sure we were NOT dressed alike. But this was a test to not be rattled by what others might think. Who gives a rip if people have the wrong idea? That's their error. The best way I know to describe it is... great minds not only think alike but dress alike. Aren't we in sync?!
Kathy: We do have similar tastes in how we dress and it makes life interesting. Delightfully, we share many things in common that make life exceptionally fun: shopping for high end bargains, talking about our new favorite books, playing tennis, sitting by the pool, sharing inspirational thoughts, eating at yummy restaurants, and dreaming together about our destinies.
Thank goodness for the “samenesses” because they will help you get through the differences. Differences in one another can be challenging to embrace at times. Linda loves schedules, keeping schedules and never changing schedules. I on the other hand appreciate options. Because life happens, it has a way of messing with schedules. I don't mind this so much, but Linda has a cow! Can you imagine two people negotiating between keeping schedules in tact and keeping them open for options of the day? This difference alone could kill a friendship. There were times when it almost killed ours.
Linda: Let me tell you, our friendship at times has been resuscitated by focusing on the things we have in common. Had we not used our "samenesses" as common ground, there could have been way too much unhappy stuff keeping us from enjoying each other's company. Friends get stuck when they allow the differences to be bigger than their "samenesses". I can count far too many times when we did not take advantage of spending an afternoon hanging out or even just having lunch because one of us was peeved at the other over a difference of opinion, or a difference in how we do life. Our advice: During the difficult moments, focus on what the two of you share because “samenesses” will help you get through the differences.
Friend coaching tip: Focus on your “samenesses” so you both can get through the differences.
Kathy: We do have similar tastes in how we dress and it makes life interesting. Delightfully, we share many things in common that make life exceptionally fun: shopping for high end bargains, talking about our new favorite books, playing tennis, sitting by the pool, sharing inspirational thoughts, eating at yummy restaurants, and dreaming together about our destinies.
Thank goodness for the “samenesses” because they will help you get through the differences. Differences in one another can be challenging to embrace at times. Linda loves schedules, keeping schedules and never changing schedules. I on the other hand appreciate options. Because life happens, it has a way of messing with schedules. I don't mind this so much, but Linda has a cow! Can you imagine two people negotiating between keeping schedules in tact and keeping them open for options of the day? This difference alone could kill a friendship. There were times when it almost killed ours.
Linda: Let me tell you, our friendship at times has been resuscitated by focusing on the things we have in common. Had we not used our "samenesses" as common ground, there could have been way too much unhappy stuff keeping us from enjoying each other's company. Friends get stuck when they allow the differences to be bigger than their "samenesses". I can count far too many times when we did not take advantage of spending an afternoon hanging out or even just having lunch because one of us was peeved at the other over a difference of opinion, or a difference in how we do life. Our advice: During the difficult moments, focus on what the two of you share because “samenesses” will help you get through the differences.
Friend coaching tip: Focus on your “samenesses” so you both can get through the differences.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Your turn or mine?
Linda: Hold on, you may be wondering why I was pushing Kathy around Macy's in a wheel chair. Don't worry, she's OK! Here's what happened: the day before she had a migraine. When this occurs it zaps her and leaves her very weak. Probably the best approach to recovery is staying in bed. Not so with the Friendship Doctors. Shopping Therapy to the rescue! All I have to do is mention the mall and her ears perk up. Even if she is too tired, I'll say, "We can take the wheelchair...I'll push you!"
Kathy: What an amazing friend. Linda drives me to Macy's and pushes me around for a shopping adventure via wheelchair. This is a perfect example of how my friend has been there for me during some of my most difficult life challenges. Often, Linda's strong when I am weak. And there's been times when the tables have been turned and she has needed my shoulder to cry on, a heart to understand, and an ear to listen, and that's ok. We give each other permission to be the weak one.
I remember when we were in Honduras on a missions trip. Linda was the guest speaker at this cute little church and I was trying to listen and support her with my full attention. However, I could feel a sick migraine taking over my whole being causing my stomach great distress. I needed a bathroom ASAP! Little known fact: bathrooms are scarce in Honduras. But I went searching anyway.
Linda: While speaking, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kathy get up. By the look on her face and how she was moving I could tell that something was wrong with my friend. Concentrating on my message was tough. I was distracted because I saw her walk out. A few minutes later I watched her walk back in. Then she walked out again. Poor gal, I felt so bad for her. I knew she wasn't well. She finally came back in looking like death warmed over. After the meeting we boarded a bus and journeyed over the dirt roads, through the potholes, back to the camp we go. But bouncing up and down was not good for her tummy. All of the sudden Kathy looked at me and said, "I'm going to throw up." Shoot! I'm thinking - this bus driver has got to pull over! But he wasn't stopping! Just in the nick of time I found a bag for her to throw up in. She let it ALL go, and there I sat...holding "the bag", cause that's what friends do!
Kathy and Linda: It's so fun when we are both doing great - the sky is blue and the flowers are blooming. Life however, is problematic. On any given day one of us may experience dark clouds blocking the sun and flowers wilting all around. Yuck! It's on days like this we are grateful for the strength of the other. And we know too, it's o.k. to take our turn being weak.
"Being a friend is easy when times are good or when you benefit from the relationship. But a true friend sticks by your side even when things get tough. This is the kind of friend you desire. But to have one, be one." Author unknown
Friend coaching tip: Take your turn to be strong…and when you're weak, know it's o.k.
Kathy: What an amazing friend. Linda drives me to Macy's and pushes me around for a shopping adventure via wheelchair. This is a perfect example of how my friend has been there for me during some of my most difficult life challenges. Often, Linda's strong when I am weak. And there's been times when the tables have been turned and she has needed my shoulder to cry on, a heart to understand, and an ear to listen, and that's ok. We give each other permission to be the weak one.
I remember when we were in Honduras on a missions trip. Linda was the guest speaker at this cute little church and I was trying to listen and support her with my full attention. However, I could feel a sick migraine taking over my whole being causing my stomach great distress. I needed a bathroom ASAP! Little known fact: bathrooms are scarce in Honduras. But I went searching anyway.
Linda: While speaking, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kathy get up. By the look on her face and how she was moving I could tell that something was wrong with my friend. Concentrating on my message was tough. I was distracted because I saw her walk out. A few minutes later I watched her walk back in. Then she walked out again. Poor gal, I felt so bad for her. I knew she wasn't well. She finally came back in looking like death warmed over. After the meeting we boarded a bus and journeyed over the dirt roads, through the potholes, back to the camp we go. But bouncing up and down was not good for her tummy. All of the sudden Kathy looked at me and said, "I'm going to throw up." Shoot! I'm thinking - this bus driver has got to pull over! But he wasn't stopping! Just in the nick of time I found a bag for her to throw up in. She let it ALL go, and there I sat...holding "the bag", cause that's what friends do!
Kathy and Linda: It's so fun when we are both doing great - the sky is blue and the flowers are blooming. Life however, is problematic. On any given day one of us may experience dark clouds blocking the sun and flowers wilting all around. Yuck! It's on days like this we are grateful for the strength of the other. And we know too, it's o.k. to take our turn being weak.
"Being a friend is easy when times are good or when you benefit from the relationship. But a true friend sticks by your side even when things get tough. This is the kind of friend you desire. But to have one, be one." Author unknown
Friend coaching tip: Take your turn to be strong…and when you're weak, know it's o.k.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Two People...Too Different...To Be Friends?
Kathy:
If you knew Linda like I do (and some of you do!), you would come to find that she is extremely disciplined, organized, and committed. It's very impressive! She doesn't have an ounce of fat on her (at least that's how it seems, because she says that's not true.) Me on the other hand, I change like the wind. Exercising and eating healthy one week, one day, one hour at a time. My mother asks me periodically, “Are you eating sweets today…or will you be doing the anti-fungal diet…or maybe today you’re doing the cabbage soup diet?” This is always great for a good laugh…or maybe a good cry! On the other hand, Linda is skilled in the art of eating little bits of dessert and leaving the rest for me. I don’t know how she does it. But, it is inspiring and encourages me.
Linda:
Let me tell you how my friend Kathy diets (ha ha!). When January rolls around, I just wait for the announcement with baited breath…the one where she starts out saying…“Ok, don’t laugh, I’m cutting out ALL sugar, NO white flour, and I’m not doing ANY carbs till March.” I think, here we go again! But my heart is to support her and go along for the ride, which I am happy to do. One time we went up into the mountains of Georgia and shut ourselves away in a cabin for a week to write. Why she picked this week to start a new diet, I haven’t a clue because it meant, yes - me too! We went to the grocery store and bought everything we needed to survive the week on the cabbage diet. We ate cabbage on Monday, we ate cabbage on Tuesday, we ate cabbage on Wednesday…do you see where this is going? We found so many new things to do with cabbage it blew my mind. Why another diet? Because that’s how she operates when she wants to get in shape. I just sit back and smile. How long will it last? Who knows. Doesn’t matter. She makes me laugh as her wind blows in and out of diet mode.
What’s the point of sharing this? We are not on a mission to change or fix each other. We do life so differently, and so will you and the people you become friends with. How do you do it without driving each other nuts? One word: ACCEPTANCE. Accepting another “as is” makes everyone feel loved and secure. No matter how unique and original your friend may be, just embrace them. In fact it’s really an amazing gift when you can “let them be” and love them like they are.
If you knew Linda like I do (and some of you do!), you would come to find that she is extremely disciplined, organized, and committed. It's very impressive! She doesn't have an ounce of fat on her (at least that's how it seems, because she says that's not true.) Me on the other hand, I change like the wind. Exercising and eating healthy one week, one day, one hour at a time. My mother asks me periodically, “Are you eating sweets today…or will you be doing the anti-fungal diet…or maybe today you’re doing the cabbage soup diet?” This is always great for a good laugh…or maybe a good cry! On the other hand, Linda is skilled in the art of eating little bits of dessert and leaving the rest for me. I don’t know how she does it. But, it is inspiring and encourages me.
Linda:
Let me tell you how my friend Kathy diets (ha ha!). When January rolls around, I just wait for the announcement with baited breath…the one where she starts out saying…“Ok, don’t laugh, I’m cutting out ALL sugar, NO white flour, and I’m not doing ANY carbs till March.” I think, here we go again! But my heart is to support her and go along for the ride, which I am happy to do. One time we went up into the mountains of Georgia and shut ourselves away in a cabin for a week to write. Why she picked this week to start a new diet, I haven’t a clue because it meant, yes - me too! We went to the grocery store and bought everything we needed to survive the week on the cabbage diet. We ate cabbage on Monday, we ate cabbage on Tuesday, we ate cabbage on Wednesday…do you see where this is going? We found so many new things to do with cabbage it blew my mind. Why another diet? Because that’s how she operates when she wants to get in shape. I just sit back and smile. How long will it last? Who knows. Doesn’t matter. She makes me laugh as her wind blows in and out of diet mode.
What’s the point of sharing this? We are not on a mission to change or fix each other. We do life so differently, and so will you and the people you become friends with. How do you do it without driving each other nuts? One word: ACCEPTANCE. Accepting another “as is” makes everyone feel loved and secure. No matter how unique and original your friend may be, just embrace them. In fact it’s really an amazing gift when you can “let them be” and love them like they are.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
An Amazing Kind of Friendship that's Worth the Risk
By Dr. Kathy Harkema & Dr. Linda Travelute
Linda:
Ready, set, jump! That’s what was going through my mind as I was preparing myself mentally to jump off a 50-foot cliff and plunge into the bottom of a waterfall. My friend Kathy and I were in a remote part of Honduras on a missions trip, and there I was staring down into the cold turbulent water. I knew I had to jump far enough out to clear the rocks that were protruding from the mountain. As I was sizing up the risk and the possible pain that could be involved, I looked down below and could see my friend watching me with a look of confidence. I could hear her saying, “Yes, she will do it, she has no fear!” And guess what I was thinking of her… “She would never get up here and try this…what a wimp!” Of course I jumped, and it was worth the risk and pain because it was an exhilarating rush.
This is a great snapshot of what friendships sometimes look like. Awesome moments sprinkled here and there with some risk and pain…a part of most relationships. As you are about to see there are great rewards that unfold for those who are willing to plunge into the refreshing waters of closely connected friendships that last a lifetime. Sounds like something everyone would want, right? Not so fast. Would you be willing to risk jumping into a friendship that might involve commitment? Or, are you like most people who shy away from any type of friendship that would require something from you and may even be associated with some hurt and pain along the way? That was my friend Kathy’s story.
Kathy:
I couldn’t believe she jumped, or maybe I knew she would. That’s Linda for ya. She is courageous and loves to live life on the edge, like the edge of a cliff. She is so different from me. I like to play it safe and keep my feet on solid ground where things aren’t shaky.
However, there is something exciting about trying new things that seem hard to do. She did it, so maybe I could do it too. She inspired me with courage to give it a try. I couldn’t believe I was actually climbing up those wet mossy rocks. That in itself was nuts. I remember wanting to turn back, but she said, “Are you kidding, look how far you’ve come.”
Linda stood by my side – encouraging me “come on you can do this.” I realized she was only trying to help, but it was irritating me. I felt caught. I lost my freedom. I was a little ticked off at her about the whole thing. What was I thinking? It seemed like there was no turning back, yet there was a part of me that wanted to make the jump. I did.
I actually jumped off the cliff into a pool of rushing water. It was exhilarating, awesome, and a great memory of a very special moment in my life. My friend Linda helped me make the jump, come out of the safe zone and enter risky living. I’m so glad for that. It was scary climbing the rocks, standing on the cliff and even jumping off, but with my friend by my side I took the plunge and realized an exciting life experience that I lived to write about.
Jumping off that cliff felt a bit scary, silly, and risky, and that’s how I felt when getting into a closely connected friendship with Linda. You see, all my life, I struggled with friendships, so why would I want to jump into something that has been so tough for me?
Linda:
Years ago, I was reading the Bible story about Jonathan and David and the deeply connected friendship they had. It was so inspiring because their friendship was definitely out of the ordinary. They were extremely close and promised to stay connected for life. These guys had something between them that I wanted.
Taking a risk, I offered my friend Kathy something similar to what Jonathan and David shared. I invited her into a friendship that would be founded on a promise. I told her that I would stick with her for life, which meant she would always have a friend in me and that I would love her unconditionally and stay by her side through the highs and lows of life.
I saw tremendous benefits that would come from such a friendship. Imagining it would be a win-win relationship, I figured it would be a great blessing to her while providing me something I always wanted:
• The kind of friend that I could call in the middle of the night.
• Someone with whom I could share my deepest secrets.
• Another outside my family with whom I could be vulnerable.
• Someone I could trust to know me inside and out and still love me after they saw all the junk!
• And so much more.
That’s what I wanted - sign me up! I thought she’d be ready to sign up too, but the very idea that sounded so good to me scared Kathy.
Kathy’s dilemma:
Growing up, I always wanted to have a close friend. I’d look around and watch friends hanging out, doing fun stuff and laughing together. It looked so fun. Oh yeah, I had some friends, in fact, people always thought I was popular since I was so friendly and seemed to know every one’s name. If they only knew how lonely I really was. I would have loved having a special friend in my life – someone who would really know me, understand me, and think that I was the most awesome person in the world (even when I didn’t act so nice), someone who wanted to hang out with me and be there for me through all of life’s ups and downs.
Why was I so afraid? Maybe I was scared that if she really got to know me as the layers came off, she would see the real me and not like me any more. Or maybe I would get to know her as her layers came off and I wouldn’t like her any more either. I had just come to the place where I liked myself –wow, that’s a huge place. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to risk inviting Linda into the safe relationship that I had with myself.
To my amazement, I went ahead and did take the plunge and jumped into one of the most exciting adventures of my life – an amazing kind of friendship that has been worth the risk!!!
We have and still are enjoying great times together, but this has not been easy, for with great times have come great challenges.
Kathy:
I really didn’t know how to be a close friend, so I had a lot to learn about coming out from isolation into friendship. Sadly, I found myself to be selfish, strong willed, and independent at times. Bigger than that, I discovered I had bonding issues. How’s that for starters?
How do two completely different people get along with one another anyway? I am so different from Linda. I tend to be impulsive, changeable, and “fly by the seat of my pants”. She on the other hand is calculating, appreciates schedules and planning, and loves the word “commitment”. I remember earlier in our friendship when I would need to change plans at the last moment it would cause her stress, anxiety, and disappointment. Then out of her hurt she would let me have it! Then I would feel hurt that she didn’t understand me and I would not want to be around her. Her way of handling the struggle was to deal with it head on. However, I needed time to work through my feelings until I felt safe enough to come out and work through the issues we were facing. Dealing with the problem brought healing and restoration.
Linda:
Problems like this would surface from time to time in our friendship. Looking back, I had a lot of expectations of Kathy that were unrealistic. I expected her to navigate through life the same way I did. I was so wrong. There were even times she considered bailing out of our friendship because she felt like she couldn’t be a good enough friend to me.
Laying expectations aside, we came to realize we didn’t need the same things out of our friendship. We also had to work through our own personal issues due to hurts from our past. We had to discover the key to staying sweet even if we were treated ugly. We had to learn how to handle friendship conflicts and how to think the best of one another when it may have been easier to see the bad. That didn’t come easy. In a nut shell, we learned how to stay in a friendship that at times caused us both some discomfort, but it has all been worth it all in the end.
Gratefully, we have stuck by one another, for out of this friendship we have experienced great personal growth, enjoyed lots of fun together and have gained a greater understanding of ourselves and one another. There's a great song titled, “I AM A Friend Of God,” that has become popular to sing. Singing it is one thing - learning how to be a friend like God is another. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, the very example we have been striving to follow.
We hope that sharing our friendship story with you will inspire you to venture into the waters of closely connected friendship. With a lot of mercy, grace and forgiveness, we have survived and even flourished. Bruising sometimes occurs, but in the end we have found it to be worth the process of working through every moment of pain in order to experience the delight of an awesome friendship.
Get ready to jump into the friendship of a lifetime!
Linda:
Ready, set, jump! That’s what was going through my mind as I was preparing myself mentally to jump off a 50-foot cliff and plunge into the bottom of a waterfall. My friend Kathy and I were in a remote part of Honduras on a missions trip, and there I was staring down into the cold turbulent water. I knew I had to jump far enough out to clear the rocks that were protruding from the mountain. As I was sizing up the risk and the possible pain that could be involved, I looked down below and could see my friend watching me with a look of confidence. I could hear her saying, “Yes, she will do it, she has no fear!” And guess what I was thinking of her… “She would never get up here and try this…what a wimp!” Of course I jumped, and it was worth the risk and pain because it was an exhilarating rush.
This is a great snapshot of what friendships sometimes look like. Awesome moments sprinkled here and there with some risk and pain…a part of most relationships. As you are about to see there are great rewards that unfold for those who are willing to plunge into the refreshing waters of closely connected friendships that last a lifetime. Sounds like something everyone would want, right? Not so fast. Would you be willing to risk jumping into a friendship that might involve commitment? Or, are you like most people who shy away from any type of friendship that would require something from you and may even be associated with some hurt and pain along the way? That was my friend Kathy’s story.
Kathy:
I couldn’t believe she jumped, or maybe I knew she would. That’s Linda for ya. She is courageous and loves to live life on the edge, like the edge of a cliff. She is so different from me. I like to play it safe and keep my feet on solid ground where things aren’t shaky.
However, there is something exciting about trying new things that seem hard to do. She did it, so maybe I could do it too. She inspired me with courage to give it a try. I couldn’t believe I was actually climbing up those wet mossy rocks. That in itself was nuts. I remember wanting to turn back, but she said, “Are you kidding, look how far you’ve come.”
Linda stood by my side – encouraging me “come on you can do this.” I realized she was only trying to help, but it was irritating me. I felt caught. I lost my freedom. I was a little ticked off at her about the whole thing. What was I thinking? It seemed like there was no turning back, yet there was a part of me that wanted to make the jump. I did.
I actually jumped off the cliff into a pool of rushing water. It was exhilarating, awesome, and a great memory of a very special moment in my life. My friend Linda helped me make the jump, come out of the safe zone and enter risky living. I’m so glad for that. It was scary climbing the rocks, standing on the cliff and even jumping off, but with my friend by my side I took the plunge and realized an exciting life experience that I lived to write about.
Jumping off that cliff felt a bit scary, silly, and risky, and that’s how I felt when getting into a closely connected friendship with Linda. You see, all my life, I struggled with friendships, so why would I want to jump into something that has been so tough for me?
Linda:
Years ago, I was reading the Bible story about Jonathan and David and the deeply connected friendship they had. It was so inspiring because their friendship was definitely out of the ordinary. They were extremely close and promised to stay connected for life. These guys had something between them that I wanted.
Taking a risk, I offered my friend Kathy something similar to what Jonathan and David shared. I invited her into a friendship that would be founded on a promise. I told her that I would stick with her for life, which meant she would always have a friend in me and that I would love her unconditionally and stay by her side through the highs and lows of life.
I saw tremendous benefits that would come from such a friendship. Imagining it would be a win-win relationship, I figured it would be a great blessing to her while providing me something I always wanted:
• The kind of friend that I could call in the middle of the night.
• Someone with whom I could share my deepest secrets.
• Another outside my family with whom I could be vulnerable.
• Someone I could trust to know me inside and out and still love me after they saw all the junk!
• And so much more.
That’s what I wanted - sign me up! I thought she’d be ready to sign up too, but the very idea that sounded so good to me scared Kathy.
Kathy’s dilemma:
Growing up, I always wanted to have a close friend. I’d look around and watch friends hanging out, doing fun stuff and laughing together. It looked so fun. Oh yeah, I had some friends, in fact, people always thought I was popular since I was so friendly and seemed to know every one’s name. If they only knew how lonely I really was. I would have loved having a special friend in my life – someone who would really know me, understand me, and think that I was the most awesome person in the world (even when I didn’t act so nice), someone who wanted to hang out with me and be there for me through all of life’s ups and downs.
Why was I so afraid? Maybe I was scared that if she really got to know me as the layers came off, she would see the real me and not like me any more. Or maybe I would get to know her as her layers came off and I wouldn’t like her any more either. I had just come to the place where I liked myself –wow, that’s a huge place. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to risk inviting Linda into the safe relationship that I had with myself.
To my amazement, I went ahead and did take the plunge and jumped into one of the most exciting adventures of my life – an amazing kind of friendship that has been worth the risk!!!
We have and still are enjoying great times together, but this has not been easy, for with great times have come great challenges.
Kathy:
I really didn’t know how to be a close friend, so I had a lot to learn about coming out from isolation into friendship. Sadly, I found myself to be selfish, strong willed, and independent at times. Bigger than that, I discovered I had bonding issues. How’s that for starters?
How do two completely different people get along with one another anyway? I am so different from Linda. I tend to be impulsive, changeable, and “fly by the seat of my pants”. She on the other hand is calculating, appreciates schedules and planning, and loves the word “commitment”. I remember earlier in our friendship when I would need to change plans at the last moment it would cause her stress, anxiety, and disappointment. Then out of her hurt she would let me have it! Then I would feel hurt that she didn’t understand me and I would not want to be around her. Her way of handling the struggle was to deal with it head on. However, I needed time to work through my feelings until I felt safe enough to come out and work through the issues we were facing. Dealing with the problem brought healing and restoration.
Linda:
Problems like this would surface from time to time in our friendship. Looking back, I had a lot of expectations of Kathy that were unrealistic. I expected her to navigate through life the same way I did. I was so wrong. There were even times she considered bailing out of our friendship because she felt like she couldn’t be a good enough friend to me.
Laying expectations aside, we came to realize we didn’t need the same things out of our friendship. We also had to work through our own personal issues due to hurts from our past. We had to discover the key to staying sweet even if we were treated ugly. We had to learn how to handle friendship conflicts and how to think the best of one another when it may have been easier to see the bad. That didn’t come easy. In a nut shell, we learned how to stay in a friendship that at times caused us both some discomfort, but it has all been worth it all in the end.
Gratefully, we have stuck by one another, for out of this friendship we have experienced great personal growth, enjoyed lots of fun together and have gained a greater understanding of ourselves and one another. There's a great song titled, “I AM A Friend Of God,” that has become popular to sing. Singing it is one thing - learning how to be a friend like God is another. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, the very example we have been striving to follow.
We hope that sharing our friendship story with you will inspire you to venture into the waters of closely connected friendship. With a lot of mercy, grace and forgiveness, we have survived and even flourished. Bruising sometimes occurs, but in the end we have found it to be worth the process of working through every moment of pain in order to experience the delight of an awesome friendship.
Get ready to jump into the friendship of a lifetime!
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